When the words of your spouse hurt you…

Hurtful words cause deep wound and damage relationships if left unchecked. It can take weeks, months and a very long time before one heals from hurtful words spoken. The process of healing becomes harder if using hurtful words becomes a reoccurring thing in a marriage relationship.

ZAINAB refilled her cylinder at a gas shop and after nine days while cooking there was no more gas. She could not believe it, ‘the cylinder is not leaking,’ she said to herself. She cooks only twice a day except for weekends when she cooks thrice. With only a family of five, she expects the 12.5kg cylinder filled with gas to last for nothing less than four weeks. She felt cheated and very hurt.

What hurt her most was the fact that that was her first time in the gas shop; she normally goes to the gas station but on that day the station had old cylinders and she did not want to exchange her new cylinder with an old one. Besides, the shop owner assured her that the cylinder was filled to the brim.

Throughout that day she was not herself, she coughed out N3,800 which was not part of her budget to get her cylinder refilled. Her husband came from the office and she relayed the incidence to him but his response took her off-guard: ‘that’s due to your carelessness, how could you not know that the cylinder was not properly filled’ was his response.

Being a meticulous and prudent person, she felt that statement was a slap on her face coming from her husband of six years. Their relationship was adversely affected that night as she withdrew into her shell and only gave monosyllabic responses to all her husband was saying.  

IN life one can never be too careful about getting hurt. Anyhow you want to go about it you will get hurt occasionally. There is bound to be lack of trust, dishonesty, cheating, misjudgements, etc coming from one side to the other; may be in your business dealings, place of work or worship, marriage and so on. How we handle these hurts is what really matters.  

We may brood over them and allow them to affect every other relationship in our lives or we may let them go and move ahead. I rather choose the latter because it is gainful for us health-wise and make us better persons; on the other hand, the former is extremely dangerous to our health. I know it is not easy letting go at times, but it is a choice that is expedient we make each time we get hurt.

Some people do not take words to heart while others cling unto words, especially words from their loved ones. We should generally use our words to build rather than pull down our loved ones. Hurtful words cause deep wound and damage relationships if left unchecked. It can take weeks, months and a very long time before one heals from hurtful words spoken. The process of healing becomes harder if using hurtful words becomes a reoccurring thing in a marriage relationship. 

As dicey as this may look, there are ways to get over this type of situation. The first thing to do is to bear in mind that most times, people use hurtful words that they do not mean, and they later regret it. Also, they use these words when they feel the need to retaliate because the discussion is not going in their way or they think they are losing an argument and are trying to find a way to win – though these are not reasons to hurt people with our tongue.

Secondly, deliberately refuse to get involved in exchange of these negative words by not responding to them. I know this is difficult to do because our first instinct is to attack back when under attack, but it is doable. You will do well to walk away from the scene, enter the toilet or a secluded place and listen to some positive music on your device. This gives room for your anger to cool off and the other person too may likely cool off.

You should try to express your displeasure about the use of hurtful words on you in a time of non-conflict. As difficult as this may seem, it is expedient you do it in a polite and loving tone. The need for wholesome discussion cannot be overemphasised in a marriage relationship.                                   .

Also know that your mental health is largely your responsibility, so you need to constantly tell yourself that you are not going to allow anyone tie you down with his/her imperfection. Open your mouth and confess aloud: ‘I refuse to let (the person’s name) tie (my health, my finances, my marriage – whatever is applicable) down by his/her imperfection’. I deliberately choose to let go of (mention the offence/hurt) committed by (name) towards me’. Each time you remember the hurt say this confession repeatedly.

Stop rehearsing the words either to yourself or others around you. Rehearsing it is like opening fresh wound, it is better you let it alone and allow it to heal with time. Remember time is a great healer. You too must have hurt others in one way or the other. There is no better time to let go of past hurts and pain than this season, so I encourage you to let go. Know that you are better than the negative words spoken to you and you will sure do better.

Send your questions or comments about Relationship to Dupe at [email protected]